Stained

“I can’t do this anymore,” Rachel said with tears welled up in the corners of her blue eyes. “I can’t sit here and pretend anymore.”

“What are you pretending?” Dale sat on the flannel covered sofa they picked out together a few months ago. He was caught off guard considering they had kissed and held one another a moment before she went upstairs to shower. He was leaning into the back rest slouched after a long day of work. Dale never came home bitter; he was simply happy to be able to melt in the home they built together. Once he noticed the hurt on her face, he stood up immediately. “Hey, Rach,” he began to open his arms to bring her in, “just talk to me, hun.”

“I can’t pretend that I can be what you want me to be,” she blurted out with unintentional anger. “I’m not ready to be a wife and a homemaker. I don’t want to be trapped inside while I watch you pull out of our driveway carefree.” She ripped herself out his arms and crossed hers. “I thought this would work, but there’s no chance it will.”

“What,” Dale began asking slowly, “what’s going on?

Why are you—“

“What part aren’t you understanding?” She brought her tone back down, even with an edgier question. “I cannot do all of this with you. The house, the showers together, rescuing a cat from the shelter. I just can’t do it.”

“I’m not trying to back you into a corner,” he said taking a few steps back with his hands open and exposed to show mercy, “I’m just trying to figure out where this is coming from, Rach.” She stared down at the floor and her torso began to convulse from crying. “Rach,” he continued, “I just want to understand.” Her eyes grew deep red and puffy from fighting her truth. She finally managed to look up and Dale was devastated, it was written across his face, and she could not bare to look.

“I don’t,” she said sniffling catching her breath, “want this with you anymore.” Her tone went from sorry to professional, almost as if they were breaking off a bad business deal. “It’s not right.”

“Rach, we’ve been together for a few months. I get things moved quickly, but I thought we were on the same page about things. That we cared for each other, that we envisioned a future together. I mean—“

“Things change, Dale.”

“But that quickly? I know pop up showers affect a town from time to time, but the townspeople can still see a major thunderstorm well before it arrives. None of this makes any sense.” He paced back and forth on the other side of the coffee table.

“It doesn’t have to.” Dale stopped at once and looked through her with a tear rolling down his cheek.

“I does have to when you told me you loved me for the first time yesterday.”

“I’ll always love you, Dale—“

“No,” he began letting his hurt exposed, “you don’t get to do that!” He wasn’t yelling, but his chest couldn’t hold back the sobs and what he wanted to say. “You don’t get to say that when I felt it. And I felt what you meant. I’m not just some friend to you like you’re trying to make me out to be. I haven’t done anything wrong—“

“I never said you did.”

“Clearly I did if you woke up the next morning and took back that you’re in love with me! We laid in bed last night without the fan on, music, or the TV for background noise. You climbed under the covers with me and pulled yourself in and asked me to never let you go. And I didn’t. I held you all night. We laughed, we talked, we listened. We sang to one another, we held hands, you kissed me constantly. You looked me dead in the eyes and said, ‘Dale Monroe, I know I won’t ever be able to love anyone else as much as I love you.’ That wasn’t a, ‘Thanks a million, pal,’ that was you telling me that you’re in love with me. And you just want to take that all back? What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything,” Rachel spoke softly. Her tears dried up as she witnessed unfiltered pain. She was in shock. Watching Dale react this way was a staring at a whole new man, and not in a bad way either.

“Clearly that’s not the case. What happened? What could have possibly happened in less than twelve hours that made you change your mind?”

“I just don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to take the chance of hurting you.”

“So your solution is to break my heart and hurt me? Do you not realize what you’re doing right now? It might not be intentional, but you’re hurting me really fucking bad, Rachel. All I’ve done is give you everything, and I’m not talking about stuff or time, but everything that is me. For the first time in years I haven’t been afraid—“

“Well, I am.” Her face became sterner on the verge of stoicism. “I’m afraid of navigating this. I’m afraid of depending on someone and I’m afraid of being hurt again. I’m terrified I’m not going to be able to be who I am while also being with you. I want to wake up in the morning when I want to. I want to drink as much coffee as I want to. I want to turn on the music loud and not be asked to turn it down.”

“When have I ever stopped you from living?”

“You haven’t, but it’s bound to happen,” she looked down again unable to handle his tears. “It’s what always happens.” Dale picked up his phone from the coffee table and patted his back pocket to check for his wallet. He pulled his keys out of his pocket and slowly began walking towards the front door. “So, that’s it?” She was offended but she didn’t know why.

“No,” he said turning to her defeated, “it’s not it. I don’t know what else it is that I can do. I’ve given you all of my love, all of my being, and dedicated so much joy into what he have: had. And you want to know what I think? I think you are scared and I don’t think it’s because you aren’t brave enough to face a challenge. But I do think you’re not brave enough to let yourself be happy. I think that you’re reflecting your fears of us not working out onto me to try to justify something your brain is telling you to do instead of your heart. And there’s no justice to be served once we part ways. There’s not a single romance novel that’s only 30 pages long. I think that you are so terrified of me hurting you that you want to hurt me first and push me away so I don’t have the opportunity to.” He reached for the door knob.

“Dale—“ she was finally understanding the moment.

“Rachel,” he said, “please don’t. You can’t tell me you love me and make me feel special, wake up the next morning and take it back, and then tell me you actually meant it right when I’m about to walk out the door.” She knew it was the truth. All of it. “I need you to understand one thing,” he said pointing his finger before finishing with, “I fucking love you. I hate to be that intense, and I don’t care how short of a time we’ve shared, but I fucking love you. That is never going to change. And I am going to wait for you. Forever. And that is also never going to change.” He opened the door slowly, “but I’m still going to leave and leave you alone because that’s what you asked me to do. And I am begging you, please do not call me back unless it’s to tell me that you want this: that you want us. Because I want to hear those words so badly, Rachel.”

Dale closed the door behind him. His shadow could be seen through the red stained glass making it into his car and pulling out of the driveway.